A perky young woman with an enthusiasm for life. Enjoys video games and telling stories. Her glasses are an enigma. Voted “Most likely to live with her parents until she’s 30.”


Dirty hippie that has gradually evolved into a presentable hippie, and then a horrifying hippie-bro hybrid. He has a great love for music that is older than he is, campy old movies, and pancakes. There are no limits to what he would do for five dollars. Voted “Most likely to win a Darwin Award.”


He may be a vampire, but he would probably still be a grump even if he weren’t. Don’t make fun of his hair. Enjoys kittens, glaring at things, and rainy days. Voted “Most likely to set himself on fire.”


Resident fashion expert, King of Eyebrows, and the youngest winner ever of “Dirty Old Man of the Year”


Video game enthusiast, specializing in minor douchbaggery. He hopes to one day put “douchebaggery” into the dictionary.


Athletic, cute as a button, and probably the one thing on this earth you should be afraid of.


Alcy’s little brother. Not as annoying as he could be.

The Goddamn Batman

Terrifying figment of Alcy’s twisted subconscious.


Matt’s adoptive father/housemate person. Flamboyant as a thing that’s really flamboyant, and as sparkly as a girl toy.


One of Matt’s vampire housemates. Doesn’t come out of her cave often, as exposure to her brain is known to cause mild to severe blunt trauma.


Another of Matt’s vampire housemates. Don’t ask her what her job is, she’d have to kill you.